According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
