Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
