Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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