she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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