Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize