I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
