oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
