Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
