You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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