Cold hands, warm shart.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize