Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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