That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize