My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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