i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize