Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
