i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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