textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
