I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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