Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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