What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
