If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
