Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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