Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
