the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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