Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize