What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
