Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
