i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
