You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
