if i can run in heels then i can drive
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
