Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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