I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
