I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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