I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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