I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
