i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
