Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
