so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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