He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
