I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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