I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
