Me. At least after what I've been through.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
