There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize