mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
