Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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