I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
