i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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