When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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