I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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