i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
