I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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