i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
