Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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