i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
