No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
