i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
