the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
