True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
