Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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