apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize