My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
