Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
