Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize