My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
