Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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