If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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