You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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