THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
