I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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