Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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