I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
