Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
